I’m not one to complain…

.. unless I’m stuck in traffic.

Road rage isn’t my issue. I’ve usually got a decent grip on my temper out in public, and God’s grace is a wonderful thing for the naturally angry soul like mine. Where I tend to lose my marbles is seeing dumb and dangerous stunts being pulled in traffic.

The sheer volume of craziness that I see on the streets around me is staggering! I don’t think this is one of those “kids these days…!” rants, but I really do think that as a society we are no longer capable of driving nicely from one end of town to the other.  None of us are perfect – I’m not even looking for “perfect” – but I’m starting to wonder how many of us are even base-line capable anymore.

As a driver, I always try to be careful, law-abiding, assertive but not aggressive, and on the vigilant lookout for the next idiot who seems to have no clue what’s going on around him. It’s quite likely that I make the odd mistake or whatnot, but generally I’m on the right track. I remember to shoulder-check. I outlived and outgrew my lead foot in my twenties. I can parallel park. I can reverse in a straight line and around obstacles. If I can’t see what’s in front of my bumper, I’ll get out and have a look. I’ve got a fancy back-up camera so I’ll use it for reference but I don’t drive while staring into the thing. Even with dyslexia, I’ve learned how to cope well with my wing mirrors (don’t laugh; I do struggle with lefts & rights, and mirror images are especially confusing for my brain). I gain full control of my vehicle before changing lanes again. There’s at least a 2-second gap between me and the vehicle ahead of me. I come to a complete stop at every stop sign. Andrew Younghusband* would not have to fear for his life as my copilot.

(*He’s the host of “Canada’s Worst Driver”, shown on the Discovery channel. Excellent show!)

Our household has a fledgling driver-in-training on the horizon this year so there have been many, many chats about road safety and “how to” lately. I’ve even learned some cool stuff from helping her study the ICBC driver’s manual.

For instance, did you know – and most of you nutballs doing this on Kingsway in rush hour clearly DON’T know – it’s illegal in BC to pull a U-turn at a light-controlled intersection unless there’s a sign specifically allowing one. “Do it anyway” is not the correct default.

I’m not really a fan of the U-turn, for two main reasons. First, my old Saturn sedan and my current HMCS Chrysler had/have a turning radius of approximately 152,687 feet so there’s no way I’m going to get myself around a typical median and stay even close to the correct lane. Second, U-turns are flat-out frightening to me. That’s a lot of lanes to consider and frankly, I’d rather just boot it around the block to get where I’m going.

Another stupid thing that I see too often is drivers weaving aggressively in and out of various lanes, all for the hope of being first at the next red light. I see the headlights in my rear-view mirror, swinging back and forth while some clown is gunning it around all of the other cars. Yes, you’re right, we all live in your make-believe game of Grand Theft Auto, you have 3 extra lives, and there will be no repercussions for your actions. Go nuts. If you are 6 feet ahead of the car behind you, I guess you’re winning. Yay, you.

Nobody respects the Smart. Maybe it's the bunny ears?

It’s funny, too, how drivers react differently depending on which vehicle I’m driving. If I’m in the Smart, everybody and their dog will cut me off. Every. Single. Time. It’s not for lack of visibility; I think it’s just that other drivers figure that the Smart has no power (they’re wrong) so they deserve to be in front of me (hmmmppfff.)

The ’86 Jeep Cherokee Sport doesn’t get too much grief from other drivers. It’s got a lift kit and it looks like an old-school, solid black beast that will eat you, so all of the puny little city cars stay far, far away. I used to think that this was because the 6’ handsome husband was the driver, but I’ve noticed this even when I’m the pilot (all 5’ of me, with a cute ponytail and everything).

Make way for The Beast.

When I’m sailing the HMCS Chrysler around town, it’s a 50/50 shot if someone will dive in front of me at any given moment. Most drivers recognize that my van is big & heavy compared to their Honda Civic Clone, so they have enough sense not to instigate a brake check.

However, and I’ve noticed that this happens far more often if the other driver is wearing a ball cap, there are drivers who must recognize that I am a mom and therefore they think I will instantaneously move heaven & earth & my 4,652 pounds* of vehicle to keep their dumb butts safe.

(*so say the nice folks who posted https://cars.lovetoknow.com/List_of_Car_Weights. I’ll take their word for it. Also, for my metric fans: 4652 lbs = 2110 kg.)

It’s a different story on the highway, though. That HMCS Chrysler has a big whoopin’ V6 and I know how to own my lane. I’ll occasionally come up against a goof that accelerates into my desired space when I signal for a lane change, but whatever, I let them go. My Dad had the same approach to the overly-aggressive public encountered on the highway; his stock phrase was a peacefully sarcastic, “Go on, big shooter.”  I often quote from the migration scene in Ice Age: “Move your issues off the road.”

Here’s something else that I’ve noticed: your average rural pickup driver putts around with nothing to prove, but little cars tend to be driven by rabid hamsters that are mad at the world. This is a lot like big, loveable dogs who just want to be friends, while the ankle-biters are miserable little freaks who start every argument. Ball caps, whale-tail spoilers, and “N” stickers exponentially increase the chaos.

My typical response to getting trapped in heavy or even bumper-to-bumper traffic is simple: I sing. I sing along to the radio, I belt out random tidbits of whatever is going through my head at the moment, or I do an improv blues number. My kids have mixed reactions to my artistic offerings – I think I’m fabulous, they think I’m a nut. Those reactions are not mutually exclusive, either.

The handsome husband & I got trapped in Seattle traffic last week. That's a special circle of Hell right there. We are creative souls, however, and we made good use of our time: we compiled an excellent list of things that move faster than Seattle traffic. That's a whole 'nother post, if I can clean it up enough for the public.

Here is a random, open message to the woman having a foul-mouthed freak-out at the intersection of North Road and Gatineau the other day: you might want to practice mindfulness, and get your blood pressure checked. My kid just laughed at your nonsense but your kid looked terrified.

To end on a positive note: not all traffic is bad. Here’s a great example:

https://youtu.be/R8M8R835Ck4

“The Low Spark of High-Heeled Boys”, by Traffic

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