We are what we are.

Now that I’m done hollering and crying, I might as well write for a few minutes. I’ve spent most of the last 50 years trying not to feel the strong emotions and then avoiding expressing those that snuck in anyway. Turns out that’s not a healthy way to live your life – who knew? (okay, everybody but 49-year old me knew that.) But we are what we are.

Today is my birthday; I am now officially 50 years old. Today is Tuesday and I’m hosting my celebration birthday party this Saturday, so today was intended to be a pretty quiet day. I was going to get some extra rest and try to shake off this annoying fever/sore throat/ugly headache thing that’s been bugging me for the last couple of days… no big deal. Peaceful rest; quiet day…

Suddenly my kids are all screaming, “MOM!!!!!!! Alli’s got a raccoon!!!! MOMMMMMMMM!!!!”

If you haven’t seen us in person lately, then you might not know that Alli is our lovable, adorable, sweet-natured pet. She’s also an 85-pound German Shepherd with a God-given, instinctive prey drive. The same mouth that will tenderly lift a mini-marshmallow out of your hand like a whisper was now literally going for the jugular on a wild animal that is equally equipped to defend itself. Cue the growling and all the excitement and fuss you’d expect on this week’s backyard edition of Predator vs Prey, plus the audience crying.

(Side note: I have an impressive “mom” voice. I’ve unintentionally made other people’s kids straighten up at the grocery store. But it turns out that my mom voice is nothing compared to my deep, authoritative, military grade dog-command voice – I’m sure the neighbours down the street heard my “LEAVE IT!!!”)

The short answer is that the dog is scratched up but not hurt, the raccoon got away under her own power and I truly hope she’s not badly injured, and my kids have settled down now that they know Alli’s had all of her shots. I was afraid that I’d have to cart off a dead raccoon but thankfully, that didn’t come to pass. Once the show was over, all that adrenaline turned on my water-works, too, and I had a good cry.

“Why would Alli do that?” was a popular question with the under-12 crowd. But we know the answer, right? She’s not a bad dog – she’s a dog. Dogs have that instinct to catch their own meals. Some dogs have it more strongly than others, and some dogs (like Alli) have the size, skill and ability to act on that drive. I didn’t think that a raccoon would come through the gap in our locked, back gate in broad daylight when that fence line so obviously smells like a big dog patrols it on a regular basis, but I was wrong. Dogs, raccoons… we are what we are.

Really?

While that is definitely true for animals, it doesn’t have to be the unchangeable truth for people. I can learn, I can grow, I can become better. Or I can be hurt, I can hide, I can withdraw. Worse yet, I can be wounded and then lash out and become the problem that someone else is learning to overcome. That’s a sobering truth, especially as a parent. While I am “this” today, I don’t want to still be stuck here tomorrow, or next week, or on my next birthday. I want to do better, to feel better, to be a better me, to become the best “me” that Christ had in mind when He set me loose on the world.

So… I’ve started in the past couple of years to figure out why I do the things that I do, and see if I could truly improve my physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health. (Short answer: yes, I’m getting there, on all fronts.) There have been some intensely difficult, uncomfortable moments of sorting out childhood trauma, of repairing mistakes that I had made myself, of seeking forgiveness and of offering it to others. I’ve seen some beautiful, wonderful signs of healing that I know could only have come through God’s endless grace, and I know in my heart that He has far more in store for me yet.

I’ve had to really work at opening up about how I feel, too, which is difficult for me. My handsome husband has always been a safe and willing ear to listen to me but it’s my nature to keep everything all bottled up; I’m learning. I recently found the courage to share a truth with him that, even after nearly 18 years of marriage, Mike had no idea about: I prefer Pepsi over Coke. Yep, I really do. We are what we are.

~ 30 ~